hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize