Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
