just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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