i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
