you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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