ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
