Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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