Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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