Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
