good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
