all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
