I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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