All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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