I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
