i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
