i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
