There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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