I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
