Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
