I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
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did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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