Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
it glows. i had to have it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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