I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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