Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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