Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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