Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
