Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
