If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
