Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He felt like a one man threesome
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
