There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
