it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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