You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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