I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize