its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize