At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
