Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
