I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
