Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
