there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
