mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize