that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am naked and annoyed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
