dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
