shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
