her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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