I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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