I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
