i think my mom watched the whole time
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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