I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
