Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize