Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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