i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
