a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
FUCK WHALES
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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