Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
