last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
