I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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