My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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