Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
