your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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