Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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