would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
