I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
