Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Randomize
