so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
