You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
