She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
50% drunk capacity currently
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
