turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
